My daily mental diary

[akina]

OOC: DON'T CALL THE MEN IN WHITE COATS ON ME PLEASE!! T T;


Dear Diary,

Today I felt like crying again, and this time it started in the morning, I was just sitting there listening to my music while a movie was playing in class and then my heart started aching again, I felt so much pain...
It was the darkness again I swear it, one of the kids in front of me --His name is Tyler-- asked me if I was Ok, I didn't awnser him, he then ignored me, my heart was feeling like it was being crushed again, I almost curled up and sobbed right there!
Luckly, the movie ended and Tler started talking to me, subsiding the pain, the only thing that lingered on my mind...
My friends, my family, and the one guy who stabbed me in my heart, Who I shall call Z.T.
I guess he was the one to start it all, I really....really loved him, this was not another crush, and sometimes I wonder if I'll ever love another, but he only loved me as a friend, and he said it right to my face, I was crushed, thats when the darkness came...
The darkness is the thing that seems to cloud my mind and smash my heart into millions of pieces, like there is no end to what I felt when Z.T. told me how he felt, but strangly I do not blame him, I still feel some sort of connection to my only love, but he got himself another girlfriend.
I still cuss under my breath when she passes me, wondering when she'll get hit by a truck or a bus, but in the end I guess jealousy evaporates, when I'm laying in bed I feel guilty for what I've done.
Everytime I lay in bed, I listen to All that I'm living for by Amy Lee and hear the lyrics play out my life, right from the beginging I felt so alone, even my own brothers can't seem to subside that pain that conquors my life, I guess the hole in my heart, the one the darkness slips into, the one that causes the edges and inside to hurt me so much, was caused by him....
But I still wont blame him....

Whoever is reading this, please, don't feel guilty for me, or try and comfort me, it will only make me feel guilty for posting this, these are my true feelings, the monster in my heart, its bound to come out.....

Thing is

I don't know when....

My best regards

Luna AKA Alex.

[akina]

Dear Diary,

I know what some of you are thinking, one, why I was being such a jerk, and two, why I was in a shell when I first started here.
Its a long story, so get comfortable and get ready for a ride folks.


When I was born, I was born to a Prositite and a well orginized law man, there names, well, I'll nickname them Whore and Daddy.

I was two when my little brother --the oldest one-- was born, Whore exclaimed that it belong to a nother man, who lived in Morgan at the time, and actually got blood test provided, it was actually Daddys' son, my only real brother, soon afterwards Whore and Daddy got divorced and Whore got me and my brothers, at first it was Whore was there and then Whore was gone.
It was later that I learned she was out partying and getting wasted or stoned, fucking anything near her sorry ass.
Excuse my french please, For about three months, maybe five, she kept at this, leaving me with my Grandmother or my Granny, soon afterward she married a man that I'll nickname Slave.
Slave was a really nice guy, he kept up his work and tried to take care of us, it was only when Whore ordered him to punish us that he turned against us, beating us like animals, he even stabbed me once, just so he could fuck her in bed.
Again, excuse my french, But as soon as I turned eleven, I called DHS against slave, which in Oklahoma --For those who do not know-- Is The HUmane Society, a court meeting was held and Slave was kicked out of the house, and for a couple of months, after I had turned twelve, Whore didn't seem to do anything for a while, but when I finally saw who she was, she called Daddy and gave me to him, along with my brother.

For the past couple of years, my life has been with my father, Slave and Whore took it for the worst and ended up living and managing a Hotel.

So, this is why I was in a shell, and why the darkness almost consumed me, and why I'm scarred across my arms....

[akina]

Ah its been a while has it not?

Dear Diary,

My Dad can be a stick in my thigh, at times I wonder if he just tells me his feelings about the jerks around her to make my heart become dead. Sometimes I don't even answer him. OH and good news! I have a new nickname.
Demon.

Yep, seems harsh no? Well I actually feel a connection to this name, I'm nice and sweet on the outside, dead and leathal on the inside. I HATE being the center of my Dad's rumors, he spreads them like a fucking cheerleader! {No offense Itch-san}

I sometimes even wonder if I should move back in with my mother, it is probably a LOT better than living with this sh-....

I caught myself - -;

Some people wonder why I am not close to 'God and Jesus' you wanna know why? Because why would someone want to put their holy spirit in me? Why put me through this life? And DON'T give me that crap about "Oh its a test from God to see if you are one of his Angels''.

I get so.....annoyed, NO sick about all of this.

Sorry felt a need to vent - -;