The Best of RvB

[都Tsuzuki筑]

Memorable Quotes from
Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles (2003) (TV)
Tucker: I'm sorry, what? It's kind of hard to hear you over the sound of your constant team killing.

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[the Blue Team's flag has just been stolen]
Church: Me and Tucker will go through the teleporter, and cut him off at the pass! Tucker, you ready?
Tucker: There is no way I'm going through that thing.
Church: Tucker, we don't have time for this! Why would they give us a teleporter if doesn't work?
Tucker: I don't know! Why would they give us a tank that nobody could drive?
Church: We already tested the teleporter, remember?
Tucker: We threw rocks through it!
Church: And? So? The rocks came out the other side, didn't they?
Tucker: Yeah, but they were all hot, and covered in black stuff.
Church: So this is what this is all about - you're afraid of a little black stuff.
Tucker: Yes, I am. I am afraid of black stuff.

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Church: So that's what this is about? Your affraid of little black stuff?

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Donut: It's not pink, it's lightish red.

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Caboose: Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
Church: Did you just call my girlfriend a cow?
Tucker: No, I think he called her a slut.

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Caboose: I'm having a lot of fun. It's like we're real soldiers.

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Simmons: Sarge, we need to get Donut airlifted out of here.
Sarge: Could you put that in a memo and entitle it "Shit I Already Know'?

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Tucker: You shot Church, you team-killing fucktard!

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Sheila: All targets eliminated. Acquiring new target.
Church: Hey Tucker, look at this, man: it's the rookie! And he brought the tank out to scare off the Reds.
Tucker: What? No way!
Church: Hey rookie, good job man! Why didn't you tell us you knew how to drive the tank?
Sheila: New target acquired.
Caboose: That's not a target. That's Church.
Church: Yeah, that's right, it's me, Church! What's going on, man!
Sheila: Target locked.
Caboose: What? No. Target unlock. Unlock! Please help me nice lady.
Sheila: Firing main cannon.
Caboose: Uh oh...
Tucker: Uh oh...
Church: What? Oh, son of a bi...
[Sheila fires on Church]
Tucker: Holy fuck! Church, are you okay? Talk to me, Church!
[to Caboose:]
Tucker: You shot Church, you team-killing fucktard!

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Church: [after discovering that he killed Captain Flowers, he let Donut take the flag, and he got himself killed] No! I'm the team-killing fucktard!

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Church: You know, I could've taken that alien out if I'd hit him just a few more times.
Tucker: A few more times? How about one time!
Church: Well, I think I landed at least two or three shots.
Tucker: Yeah right.
Tex: You didn't hit anything but the wall.
Church: How the hell would you know? You were running straight backwards
Tex: This is a long-range weapon, okay? I need distance to use it effectively.
Tucker: Where were you planning on shooting him from, the fucking moon? If you'd have backed up any further you'd have had to mail him the bullets!

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Simmons: Just a little further, guys.
Sarge: You stole that thing all by yourself?
Donut: Yep, and then I ran over the guy that was chasing us. And a few other innocent pedestrians.
Sarge: I'm so proud of you.
Donut: Yeah, stealing and killing are a huge rush. I wish I'd started at a much younger age. I caught the fever!
Simmons: Okay, the source for the distress signal is right outside this... crap!
Grif: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[the camera zooms out to reveal Blood Gulch]
Grif: This sucks.

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Voice on radio: Man, I hate this. This sucks.
Caboose: It's Church!
Voice on radio: I just wanna lay around and do nothing.
Sarge: I think it's Grif!
Voice on radio: Right after I take this nice, warm, bubble-bath.
Sarge, Simmons: Donut.

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Caboose: I knew it... we're all gonna die...
[aims gun at the back of Tucker's head]
O'Malley: ...starting with you!

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Sarge: OK, listen up, scumbags. If we're gonna invade this fortress, we need a good game plan. Now, I have two options we can use. Number one, we run at the base in a single fine line, screaming at the top of our lungs! The enemy will be so flabbergasted, by the time they have a chance to regroup, we'll already be inside.
Tucker: Oh, yeah, right. They're not going to get surprised, they're just going to start mowing us down.
Sarge: That is the inherent beauty of the single file line. They can only kill the person in front. So if we order from least important to most important, with Tucker being in the front and me being in the back, then we just might make it through.
Simmons: Don't you think that Caboose should be in the back, since he's the one carrying the bomb?
Sarge: No, Caboose is in front of me. We need someone in back who can objectively evaluate how the plan is working.
Tucker: How are you going to know if the plan isn't working?
Sarge: If Caboose dies, I'll know we're in trouble, and immediately abort.
Caboose: I think that's a good plan.
Grif: Sarge, while that's the most retarded idea I've ever heard, I just wanted to thank you for not putting me in front of the line.
Sarge: Don't get misty, Francine. We'll have already killed you and used your corpse to jam up the windmill! I think we can all agree, given our current situation, it's the perfect plan.
[silence]
Sarge: OK, well let me tell you about my other plan. Using parts from the warthog...
Grif: [to Tex] I'm hoping you've got a better idea.
Sarge: ...We'll make what I like to call, "The Grif Cannon."
Grif: Oh, man...
Sarge: Utilizing the power of the Grif Cannon, we make a Grif-sized hole in the outer wall!... or we paint it a very disgusting color.

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Simmons: Hello, weary traveler, we represent the timeline.
Sarge: I am the past, where things cost less, and people knew the value of a hard day's work. But they only lived to be 28 years old.
Simmons: And I am the future, where people have no morals and no emotions, but we have a bunch of kick-ass gadgets.
Grif: And I'm the present, which sucks. We have nothing cool, and also no morals.
Donut: And I am the helpful narrator. A faceless voice used by poor writers.
Tucker: You have a face... I think...
Donut: Shut up, Audience! You're ruining my play! Everything was fine with the timeline, until one day, in the present.
Grif: Why does bad stuff always happen in the present?
Donut: Because that's when people do stuff!
Sarge: Ah, quit yer bitchin'. I've got atrocities and a crapload of wars that seemed very important at the time, but now seem trivial and stupid.
Simmons: Yeah, well I've got Apocalypse. And that's way worse than anything you two dipshits have... sorry, sir, that "dipshits" was in character.
Sarge: Oh. Well, bravo, Simmons.
Donut: One day, in the present, a terrible thing happened.
Caboose: Enter stage left. Hello, I am stupid private Tucker. I am going to set off a big bomb now, and totally mess things up for everyone! Because I am stupid! Turns around... hello, present, I am going to set off a bomb in you.
Grif: Don't do that, stupid private Tucker, that might kill me!
Caboose: Thinks about this... for a moment.
Donut: Caboose, stop reading your stage directions!
Caboose: You said I was supposed to read anything with my name in front of it!
Donut: Just the lines, not the blockings. You're ruining my big debut!
Caboose: I do not think we are meshing artistically. I think you should talk to my agent.

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Sarge: Ho, ho, ho... dirtbag.

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Tucker: So far this quest is a fuckin' breeze. I've already killed a dead monster, what's next? We're going to open an unlocked door? Rescue a princess from herself?

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Andy The Bomb: [Crunch-Bite the alien attacks an intruder] Caboose, you were supposed to help!
Caboose: I was helping watch.
Andy The Bomb: What if something had happened?
Caboose: I'm sure I would have seen it.

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Tex: Tell you what, I'll go 50/50. You keep the emancipation, and I'll keep the sword.
Andy The Bomb: Deal.
Tucker: What do I get?
Tex: You get to live... but no guarantees.
Tucker: That's not a reward for me, that's a reward for all the fine ladies in the universe.
Tex: I'm a woman, and somehow, I don't feel any luckier.
Tucker: I said fine ladies.
Andy The Bomb: What do you want Caboose?
Caboose: I want a pony.

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[Sarge has escaped after Grif buried him alive]
Grif: But how the hell did you get outta there? I tied you up and poured concrete over the grave! Just in case you turned in to a zombie.
Sarge: Yes, but you made one crucial mistake: you left me my spoon.
Grif: NO!

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Donut: So... just you 'n' me, hanging out at the base. That's coo.
Grif: Shut up rookie.
Donut: You think they'll be gone long? Me and Sarge had a great time together.
Grif: Oh my god...
Donut: We talked about all kinds of stuff...
Grif: I'm not gonna sit here and listen to this all day long...
Donut: He showed me a picture of his mother, we talked about home decorating...
Grif: Are you ever going to shut up?...
Donut: We made macrame ideas...
Grif: Jesus Christ...
Donut: We shared recipes for soufflÈs...
Grif: How did I get stuck in this place...
Donut: Oh man, it was such a blast! And then we talked about, our feelings...
Grif: Ugh, God...
Donut: And then, we also discussed...
Grif: Jesus Christ...
Donut: ...what it was like to be the loner in high school...
Grif: You've gotta be kidding me...
Donut: ...and, you know, all the kids made fun of us, but we had a really great time...
Grif: Oh man...
Donut: I mean Sarge is a really neat person, we talked about his dream the other night...
Grif: I don't wanna listen to this...
Donut: Where he dreamed, that uh... some shit happened...
Grif: Why me?

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Caboose: [to Sheila, who is talking to Lopez] Ummmm, yes. Well, Lopez has to go now. He was just here to help me fix you, and now he has to go AWAY.
Tucker: Dude, this is getting weird. Church, will you take your fuckin' body back?
Church: Roger that.
[Runs towards Lopez]
Lopez: No! Heauegerkerherk!
[Twitches wildly as he is repossessed]
Tucker: [after a few seconds] You okay in there, Church? Church? Hey, what's going on?
[pauses]
Tucker: Do I need to flip your switch?
Church: [Reappears] What the-? That wasn't me! What the hell is going on here?
Tex: [while in possession of Lopez's body] Well. Buenos diaz, cockbites. Guess who's back?

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Tucker: [Talking about who will go on the 'Quest for the Sword'. Church and Tex admit that they aren't going] What? Then who?
[Looks at Caboose]
Tucker: No fuckin' way. I'm not going with him!
Caboose: Oh, oh, oh. I hope we meet a cleric along the way! None of us know how to heal.
Blue Elite: Blaar Honk.
Andy The Bomb: [Translates what Elite says] He says he's a healer.
Caboose: Oh, good!
Andy The Bomb: Heh heh. Not really. They eat their wounded.
[Continues to snigger]
Caboose: Just like chiropracters...
Tucker: This is a JOKE, right? You're sending Caboose? What's wrong with you?
Church: What's wrong with me? I saw a chance to get rid of Caboose and I took it. There's nothing wrong with me!
Caboose: [Completely not paying attention to what the others are saying] Okay, so... um... Tucker's the fighter... ah... Crunchbite is the healer... And I am the powerful, and intelligent, wizard: Morphumax.
Andy The Bomb: What the hell does that make me?
Caboose: You're the good looking and stealthy archer.
Andy The Bomb: A bow and arrow? I don't have any arms, you freakin' moron!
Caboose: That is what makes you so stealthy.

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Tucker: [Watching the Halo 2 E3 trailer. "Bungie" appears on screen] Bungle...
Church: That's an 'I', you idiot.
Tucker: Oh! Right... Bingle...

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Sheila: Hello, and thank you for activating the M808B Main Battle Tank. You may call me Sheila.
Caboose: Hello. Sheila. Big tank lady.
Sheila: Would you like me to run the tutorial program?
Caboose: Oh, that'd be very nice. Thank you.
Sheila: Tutorial program activated. This program is intended to instruct non-certified personnel in the use of the Scorpion class tank. Let's begin with some driving.
Caboose: Okay.

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Church #2: There's Sheila. Sheila!
[runs up to the tank and starts shooting it with his pistol]
Church #2: Sheila, Sheila, hey, wake up! Wake up, hey, Sheila, come on, turn on! Uhh... Ignition!
Church: [running off of Blue Base] Okay, rookie, you stay here! I'll be back with the flag!
Church #2: [runs behind the tank] Aw crap crap, come on, activate!
Sheila: Thank you for activating the M808B Main Battle Tank. You may call me Phyllis.
Church #2: Hey, Sh- wait, Phyllis? Why not Sheila?
Sheila: Name overwritten. You may now call me Sheila.
Church #2: Whatever. Quickly. I need you to run through all your weapons system programs.
Sheila: Affirmative. Auto-lock is enabled. Barrel recoil dampers are enabled.
Church #2: Yeah, c'mon, c'mon, hurry.
Sheila: Extra ammo management is disabled. The friendly-fire protocol is enabled.
Church #2: Friendly fire. That's the one that kills teammates, right?
Sheila: Affirmative.
Church #2: All right. *Disable* the friendly-fire protocol.
Sheila: Friendly-fire protocol is now disabled. Friendly forces may now be targetted by auto-lock.
Church #2: Yes! Wait! No! That doesn't sound right.
[Caboose enters the tank]
Church #2: I want the other thing.
Sheila: [to Caboose] Hello, and thank you for activating the M808B Main Battle Tank. You may call me Sheila.
Caboose: Hello. Sheila. Big tank lady.
Sheila: Would you like me to run the tutorial program?
Church #2: Sheila, what're you talking about? Forget what I just said.
Sheila: This tutorial program is intended to instruct non-certified personnel. Let's begin with some driving.
[drives off]
Church #2:

Wait! Oh my God, no!
Sheila: I was built by an American automotive company, and I was assembled in Mexico.
Church #2: [chasing on foot] No no no no no no no no no no n...

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Church: Hey Tucker, look at this, man: it's the rookie! And he brought the tank out to scare off the Reds. Why didn't you tell us you knew how to drive the tank?
Sheila: New target acquired.
Caboose: That's not a target. That's Church.
Sheila: Target locked.
Caboose: What?
Church: What? Oh, son of a bi...
[Sheila fires on Church]
Church #2: Oh NO! *I'm* the team-killing fucktard!
Tucker: [to Caboose:] You shot Church, you team-killing fucktard!

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Tucker: [realizes that he has to go on a dangerous mission*] This is so dumb! I'm not doing this!
Church: Hey, newsflash: you don't have a choice. You're the one that picked up the sword and locked it to yourself!
Tucker: I know! And I'm so used to picking up things and not *letting* 'em get attached.
[brief pause*]
Tucker: I'm talkin' about women.
Church: I know, yes. I got it.
Tex: Don't worry, Tucker. We're not sending you alone.
Tucker: You're coming with me, Tex?
Tex: Me? Hell no! This is the first thing you wimps have done that actually sounds dangerous!
Tucker: Well, I'm not going with Church! That guy's a worse fighter than I am!
Church: Well, you're in luck then, because *I'm* not going either.
Tucker: What? Then who?
[he and Caboose quickly look at each other*]
Tucker: No fucking way! I'm not going with him!
Caboose: Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! I hope we meet a cleric along the way! None of us knows how to heal.
[the Alien speaks*]
Andy The Bomb: He says he's a healer.
Caboose: Oh, good.
Andy The Bomb: [chuckles*] Not really. They *eat* their wounded.
[chuckles again*]
Caboose: Just like chiropractors!
Tucker: This is a joke, right? You're sending Caboose? What's wrong with you?
Church: What's wrong with me? I saw a chance to get rid of Caboose and I took it! There's nothing wrong with me!
Caboose: Ok! So, um... Tucker is the fighter, uh... Crunch-bite is the healer... and I am the powerful... and intelligent... wizard... Morphu-max...
Andy The Bomb: What the hell does that make me?
Caboose: You're the good-looking and stealthy archer.
Andy The Bomb: A bow and arrow? I don't have any arms, you freakin' moron!
Caboose: That is what makes you so stealthy. This is going to be the best party ever.
Tucker: I'm gonna fuckin' die.

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Church: How did all you guys screw up?
Church: Well, when Tucker points the rocket launcher at us, I tried to explain the situation to everybody, and oddly, Caboose was really the only person who understood it right away. Anyway, by the time I finished answering questions the bomb went off and I got sent back in time.
Church: Right, then I teleported *back* to Sidewinder and thought, if I could shoot Wyoming before he shoots Tucker, then I can fix everything. But I shot Wyoming, then Tucker shot me with the rocket launcher, the bomb went off anyway, and I got sent back in time.
Church: And then I teleported back and just decided to kill everybody that I could see.
Church: Why did you do that?
Church: I dunno, seemed like fun. I think I went a little nuts there for a while.
Church: [to yellow Church] Well, what did you do?
Church: Dude, don't ask. Trust me, it - it didn't work.
Church: So now we all come back here *beforehand* to discuss what we did, and see if we can collectively come up with a better plan beforehand.
Church: You said beforehand twice.
Church: Oh. Well in that case, what I was thinking about doing was...
Church: [all together] That won't work.

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Church: Man, it is really great to see you guys.
Tucker: You seem like you're in a good mood.
Church: I learned a very valuable lesson in my travels, Tucker. No matter how bad things might seem...
Caboose: They could be worse.
Church: Nope. No matter how bad they seem, they can't be any better, and they can't be any worse, because that's the way things fucking are, and you better get used to it Nancy. Quit yer bitching.
Caboose: Where have you been?
Church: You want the long version or the short version?
Caboose: I will take the easy version please.
Tucker: Oh, I wanna hear the long version. But, can you tell me in three parts?

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[Sarge is installing a voice chip into Lopez, who moments before was revealed to be, in fact, a robot]
Simmons: Hey, sir, you really should ground yourself before handling that card.
Sarge: How come?
Simmons: Because static could damage the card.
Sarge: C'mon. That's an urban legend used to sell those stupid bracelets. And I suppose pop rocks and soda are going to make my stomach blow up!

Sarge: Yeaow!
Simmons: Sir! I won't say I told you so, sir!

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Church: I can't believe I actually died for this war.

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[Simmons and Grif of Red Army are faced with the Blue Army's tank, manned by Caboose. The tank is pointing its cannon at them]
Simmons: OK, you ready? Let's do this on three. One...
Grif: Wait. On three, or three and then go?
Simmons: On three. It's always faster to go on three.
Grif: OK. OK. On three.
Caboose: Here!
Sheila: Tutorial deactivated. AutoFire sequence activated.
Simmons: Ready?
Sheila: Acquiring targets.
Church: [to Tucker] I'm going for the jeep. Cover me.
Simmons: One...
[Grif starts backing away, then turns and runs like hell]
Sheila: Target acquired.
Grif: Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit...
Simmons: Two...
Sheila: Target locked.
Simmons: Three!
[Simmons turns and sees that Grif is long gone]
Simmons: Oh, you backstabbing cockbite!
Sheila: Firing main cannon.
[Sheila fires her cannon and blows up the Warthog]
Simmons: Son of a bitch!
Grif: Son of a bitch!
Church: Son of a bitch!
Sheila: Firing main cannon.
[Sheila continues firing while everyone runs away from the tank]
Tucker: [to Church] Hey dude, the jeep blew up!
Church: No kidding. Thanks for the update, Tucker!
Simmons: [hiding with Grif behind a rock that Sheila continues to shoot at] "Hey, I have a great idea. Let's get out of the jeep, and sneak around the side of the rock." Great plan, you idiot!

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Sarge: Anyone... want to guess... why I gathered you here... today?
Grif: Uh, is it because the war's over and you're sending us home?
Sarge: That's exactly it, Private. War's over. We won. Turns out you're the big hero. We're gonna hold a parade in your honor. I get to drive the float. And Simmons here is in charge of confetti!
Grif: I'm no stranger to sarcasm, sir.

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[Sheila the tank is stuck on a rock while the turret is spinning in circles]
Sheila: Now that you've mastered driving the M808V, let's move on to some of the safety features.
Caboose: No! No, wait! Go back! Why are there six pedals if there are only four directions?

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Simmons: Do you ever wonder why we're here?
Grif: One of life's great mysteries isn't it? Why are we here? I mean, are we the product of some cosmic coincidence? Or is there really a God, watching everything. You know, with a plan for us and stuff. I don't know man, but it keeps me up at night.
Simmons: What? I mean why are we out here, in this canyon.
Grif: Uh... Oh... Yeah...
Simmons: What's all this stuff about God?
Grif: Uh... um... Nothing.

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Caboose: I should've known. She didn't like me. Girls... never... like me.
Tucker: Caboose, I don't think anybody likes you.
Caboose: I like me.

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Church: So how are you doing Caboose? Are you following any of this whatsoever?
Caboose: I think so. That guy Tex is really a robot... and you're his boyfriend. So that makes you... a gay robot.
Church: ...Yeah. That's right. I'm a gay robot.

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[the Blue Team is talking about its tank]
Tucker: You know what? Forget what I said before. We can *definitely* pick up chicks in this thing. Probably two or three chicks apiece.
Church: Oh man, listen to you. What are you going to do with two chicks?
Tucker: Church, women are like Voltron. The more you can hook up, the better it gets.
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[the Blue Team is talking about its tank]
Church: You know what? I could blow up the whole goddamn world with this thing.

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Church: You have GOT to be kidding me. There is no way I'm gonna let this happen
Tex: I told you, he can do it.
Andy The Bomb: Yeah, I'm qualified.
Church: Listen, I don't DOUBT that he can do it; I doubt that I WANT him to do it.
Andy The Bomb: Why?
Church: Well, you know what, Andy? You're not the most diplomatic of individuals.
Andy The Bomb: That's bullshit! You're only saying that cause you're a racist.
Church: Raci - ? BOMBS are not a race!
Andy The Bomb: Ah, shut up, ya dirty shisno.
Church: We finally make contact with an alien being, and our first attempt at communication is gonna be through a BOMB? Am I the only person who has a problem with this?
Andy The Bomb: Well unless you got your "English to Blarg-Blarg" dictionary, I don't think you got a choice, now do ya?
Caboose: I had one of those. But I threw it out. It didn't have many pictures.
Tex: I'm sure it'll be fine.
Church: You know, I feel like I'm gonna regret this, but I feel even more that I just don't care, and that watching this whole thing unravel might be kind of interesting. Go for it.

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Donut: And that's how I rescued you, and saved the day! The end! Any questions?
Grif: Donut, that was the longest story I have heard in my LIFE. And I don't think I believed a word of it!
Sarge: And quite frankly, I found the Showtune in the middle to be a little over-the-top.
Donut: Every word is 100% true! It was the best military operation you two ever slept through!
Grif: Well, if everything went so well, where's our chief?
Donut: I have a song I'd like to sing about that!
Grif: NEVER MIND.

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Church: [watching red team through a sniper scope] Okay, so the red guy is Sarge, their leader, which is lucky for us, because he's not a very good leader.
Simmons: Yeah.
Church: And that's Donut. I like Donut. He's pretty harmless, I don't think he'd hurt a fly.
Simmons: Plus he's kinda...
Church: What?
Simmons: Well... y' know...
Church: Actually, I don't know.
Simmons: Well, he's kinda into girly things. Like, feelings, and...
Church: I think you're projecting.
Simmons: I'm not projecting, I'm just stating an observation.
Church: I don't know. You seem pretty defensive for someone who's "not projecting".
Simmons: His armour is PINK.
Church: Pink? I wouldn't say pink. More of a... slightly less red.
Simmons: It's pink, okay? I know pink when I see it!
Church: I'm sure you do! You wanna talk about it?
Simmons: NO.
Church: And last is Grif. He's really lazy, and really annoying. But at least he's smart. I think he's smarter than anyone, really.
Simmons: You mean smarter than all the people there are now, right?
Church: No, I mean all of them put together! There was this one guy, in maroon armour, I haven't seen him in a while, but he was a frickin' KNOW IT ALL! He walked around like he owned the place, but no one listened to him, and they didn't really like him.
Simmons: What did they say?
Church: Oh, just that he wasn't good at stuff, and he was dumb, and stuff he liked was dumb, and he wasn't as attractive as other people.
Simmons: [trying not to cry]
[sniff]
Simmons: Sounds like a real jerk!
[runs off]
Church: Hey, where are you going?
Simmons: [sobbing] I have to go to the bathroom!
Church: Well, could you hurry it up? I need to finish orientation before you have to make me dinner!

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Tucker: Ooo-kay. Church... is trying to get a TRANSLATOR. So that WE can TALK to EACH OTHER.
Church: Tucker, the enormous alien doesn't speak our language. Speaking slowly is not gonna help.
Tucker: What? I'm talking to Caboose.
Church: Oh.
Caboose: [camera pans to reveal Caboose] I don't understand. Are-are-are you hungry? Tucker, are you hungry? Are you cold?
Tucker: What? No.
Caboose: Do you need a blanket? Tucker, do you want some hot dogs and a blanket?
Tucker: Damn it, no, Caboose, I'm NOT cold, I don't want a hot dog, and if you put mustard in my fucking sheets again, I'm gonna kill you.

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Church: Is this why you guys came home so fast?
Caboose: No, we came home because the alien died, and because the uh, glowing sword turned out to be a, uh glowing key.
Church: Yeah, a glowing key that could still STAB people.
Caboose: Right.
Church: So it is a sword. It just happens to function like a key in very specific situations.
Caboose: Or it's a key all the time, and when you stick it in people, it unlocks their death.
Church: Goddamn, man, I would love to live in your world for about ten minutes.
Caboose: Yeah. I have a really good time!
Church: [laughing] Yeah, it seems like it. You know, I don't think I'd get anything done, but I probably wouldn't care that much.

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Tex: The cold is the least of our problems.
Andy The Bomb: Why do you say that?
Tex: I suppose we have to get into that temple. Well it is gaurded by about two dozen guards.
Caboose: Oh no.
Tex: Yep.
Caboose: No. No. No. I forgot one of my mittens. We have to go back.

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O'Malley: Ha ha ha ha ha, yes! This place will do nicely for an evil lair! It's diabolically designed.
Frank DuFresne: As a student of Feng Shui, I can tell you this house is eighty-eight percent good luck. Also, very breezy. I like the floor plan.
O'Malley: Quiet, you fool.
Lopez: I just want my own room. I hate sharing with the vacuum.
O'Malley: Hello? Is anyone home? Don't be alarmed. We're only here to kill you and take all your possessions. Excellent! No doubt our very presence has scared everyone away, mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Frank DuFresne: Why don't we just see if this place is listed by a licensed real estate agent?
O'Malley: Oh, shut up.
Frank DuFresne: But we don't even know if it's been inspected recently. It could need foundation work.
Lopez: It could have mold.
O'Malley: Both of you shut up! We're moving in and that's final. It has machine gun turrets, two living quarters with ample closet space, and a short commute to my secret laboratory. It's perfect!
Frank DuFresne: Yeah, but what about the school district?
Lopez: We have no children.
Frank DuFresne: It's important to think about resale value, Lopez.
O'Malley: Resale value? Our plan is to rule the world, not make prudent investments!
Lopez: It's important to have a fallback plan.

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Tucker: Hello inferior Red squad!
Church: We would like to talk to you about...
Caboose: [Interrupting] Sneak attack!
Church: Shut up you idiot! We're not here to fight! We're here to negotiate!
Caboose: Yay! Sneak negotiation!

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[the Blues have Lopez and have delivered an ultimatum to Sarge and the mostly robotic Simmons]
Sarge: I'm torn between my intense distrust of the blue team and the need for the plans stored in my favorite robotic creation!
[beat]
Sarge: No offense, Simmons.
Simmons: None taken, sir! You removed the negative emotional center of my brain, and implanted it in Grif!
Grif: [sobbing] I... I just can't take this, we're all going to *die*!

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[about modding a Warthog they've just found on postapocalyptic Earth]
Tucker: All my life I've had girls tell me, "Not if you were the last man on Earth'.
[Laughs]
Tucker: Well, that may be true, but let's see what happens when I'm the last man on Earth with a sweet ass, pimped out ride, bitch!

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Caboose: [Church has deliberately shot Caboose in the foot] Rest in peace, pinky toe...
O'Malley: YOU SHALL BE AVENGED.

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Tucker: Church, it hasn't been the best holiday, but I think I found the perfect gift for you. Merry Christmas buddy.
Church: I thought we agreed not to get each other anything this year.
Tucker: No we didn't.
Church: Oh. Well, maybe I'm mistaken.
Tucker: Mistaken? You specifically told me to get you something.
Church: I did?
Tucker: You gave me a catalogue with stuff circled in it.
Church: Huh, doesn't ring a bell.
Tucker: You set a budget for us, between 300 and 350.
Church: Oh well, I guess its just one of those things.
Tucker: Fuck you, I'm keeping it.
Church: Tucker, isn't Christmas the season of giving... Holy shit blue Santa.
Tucker: Where?
[He Looks and sees nothing. When he looks back for Church he is gone, along with the present]
Tucker: Aww crap.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[PSA presenting the difference between Real Life and the Internet. Title card reads "Discussing Politics: Real Life"]
Church: [calmly, but assertively] Look, that's just how I feel about it.
Sarge: Well, I disagree, but I respect your opinion.
[title card appears reading "Discussing Politics: the Internet", and suddenly cut into a chaotic battlefield]
Church: [shouts] You deserve to die! Die and go to hell and burn!
Sarge: [shouts] Well, I hope you get raped? twice! Then maybe you'll feel differently? Jerk!
Grif: We don't *need* to find weapons of mass destruction, we just need to *want* to! That's how it works!
Simmons: I voted for Nader; I hate everyone!
Frank DuFresne: Have you considered changing your homepage to MoveOn.org?
Donut: Politics gets me sooo horny! Check out my webcam pics at PresidentialSluts.com!

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Frank DuFresne: You know, I really think we should take a non-violent approach to resolve this...
O'Malley: [Inside of "Doc'/Frank] I agree! Except, replace the word "non" with "extremely", and after the word "violent", include the phrase "blood explosion extroardinaire"! HAHAHAHAHA!
Donut: [Entering cave in which "Doc' is talking to "himself'] Hey, what's going on in there?
Frank DuFresne: We can't do this! They're going to find out! They'll find out about us, the machines, everything!
Donut: [Further entering the cave] What the? Those voices sound suspicious.
O'Malley: I will rip out their GUTS, and feed on their entrails!
Frank DuFresne: But I'm a vegetarian!
Donut: [Seeing "Doc' without "Doc' seeing him] Oh, it's that guy whose name I forget! But where's the guy he's talkin' to?
Frank DuFresne: Look, we can't just sabotage their equipment... that's rude!
Donut: Sabotage? That doesn't sound too good...
O'Malley: I will devour their hearts and CRAP out their souls!
Donut: That sounds even worse!
O'Malley: They will all taste OBLIVION! Which tastes JUST like Red Bull... which is disgusting!
Donut: [Offended] Whoa!
O'Malley: All will perish! HAHAHAHA!
Donut: All? Wait! That includes me! Oh, man, I gotta go tell the guys!
Frank DuFresne: [Hearing Donut] Hello? Who's there? Please help me! I'm scared of myself!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Frank DuFresne: You know, I really think we should try a non-violent approach to resolve this.
O'Malley: I agree. Except replace the word "non" with "extremely", and after the word "violent" include the phrase "blood explosion extraordinaire".

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tucker: Do you guys ever get anything done, or do you just stand around and talk all day?
Grif: We don't get paid enough to do stuff.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tucker: Hey Church, if your body is the Red Team's old droid, and droids usually fix stuff, can't you just activate your repair sequence and fix Sheila?
Church: Huh... well, yeah, it's worth a shot I guess. Ahem, all right, stand back. Hrrrrrhhh...! Hnnnnggg...! Gmmmmmm...!
Tucker: Anything?
Church: Yeah, it's not as easy as you'd think it would be.
Tucker: Maybe there's a button on you somewhere.
Church: See what you can find. I'll keep trying from in here. Hrrrrrrhh... oh, hey!
Tucker: Found it?
Church: Ah, no, wait. All I found was the time and temperature function. It is currently twenty-six degrees, by the way.
Tucker: What? It's not twenty-six degrees out here, that's freezing!
Church: Celsius, Tucker.
Tucker: Come on dude, Celsius sucks.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Frank DuFresne: Look, we can't just sabotage their equipment. That's rude.
Donut: Sabotage? That doesn't sound too good.
O'Malley: I will devour their hearts and crap out their souls!
Donut: That sounds even worse.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
O'Malley: They will all taste oblivion! Which tastes like Red Bull! Which is disgusting.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: Thanks for the support Grif. Way to be a team player.
Grif: Hey, I've got to think about myself here.
Church: There's no "I" in team Grif.
Grif: Yeah, there's no "U" either. So I guess if I'm not on the team and you're not on the team, then nobody's on the goddamned team! The team sucks!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wyoming: Right, I don't have time to torture you...
Phil: Oh, thank God...
Wyoming: ...so I'm just going to have to kill you.
Phil: Oh, this *sucks*!
[instant fade-to-black, gunshot heard]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[O'Malley infected Frank "Doc" Defresne. O'Malley is atop of the base laughing evilly]
O'Malley: Here I am, you fools!
Church: How'd he get up there so quick?
Donut: That guy's wicked fast!
Frank DuFresne: Thanks! I lettered in track in High School! It was the least direct competitive sport I could find!
Grif: Track sucks!
O'Malley: *You* suck! And now I make my escape with my metallic hostage, never to be seen again! Unless I want to be seen, in which case, if I see you before you see me... look out! The universe will be mine!
[evil laugh]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Frank is possessed by an evil AI which can't control Frank entirely]
Church: How'd he get up there so quick?
Donut: Man, that guy is wicked fast!
[Frank's voice]
Frank DuFresne: Thanks! I lettered in track in high school! It was the least directly competitive sport I could find!
Grif: Track sucks!
[O'Malley's evil voice]
Frank DuFresne: [shouts] You suck!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Donut is showing off his uniquely colored armor to his teammates]
Grif: Uh, hey Donut?
Donut: What?
Simmons: Um, about your armor...
Donut: What about it?
Simmons: How do I put this? Your armor is... um... it's a little... um... Grif, uh, you want to help me out here?
Grif: It's pink! Your armor is frickin' pink!
Simmons: Yeah, that's it.
[Accusatory]
Simmons: Pink.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Donut has just explained that his armor is not pink, but merely "lightish red']
Grif: Guess what? They already have a color for lightish-red. You know what it's called? Pink.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Caboose has just asked his Blue Army teammates why a simple blue flag is so important to defend - his teammates don't really know, either]
Church: Because it's the flag, man! You know... it's the... its The Flag! It's... Tucker, you tell him why the flag is so important.
Tucker: Well... it's... it's complicated. The... it's blue, we're blue...
Church: It's just important, okay? Trust us.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Sarge has just tried to communicate with the Spanish-speaking Lopez by speaking very slowly]
Grif: Why are you talking so slow? He understands us just fine. Maybe you should try listening slower.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[the Reds and Blues negotiate a unique terms of surrender, in which the Blues will send over the Medic, Frank Dufresne, in exchange for Grif, on behalf of the Reds, declaring how much he sucks]
Sarge: Get on with it, Grif.
Grif: [exasperated sigh] I would just like to let everyone know that I suck.
Church: And?
Grif: [with heavy hesitation] And that I'm a girl.
Church: What else?
Grif: [in a hesitant tone] And I like ribbons in my hair, and I want to kiss all the *boys*.
Sarge: This may be the best surrender of all time.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Tucker and Church of Blue Army are spying on Grif and Simmons of Red Army. Church is using a sniper rifle to watch the Reds]
Tucker: What are they doing?
Church: What?
Tucker: I said, what are they doing now?
Church: God damn, I am getting so sick of answering that question.
Tucker: You have the fucking rifle, I can't see shit. Don't bitch at me, because I'm not going to just sit up here and play with my dick all day.
Church: OK, OK, look. They're just standing there and talking. OK? That's all they're doing. That's all they EVER do, is just stand there and talk. That's what they were doing last week, that's what they were doing when you asked me five minutes ago. So five minutes from NOW, when you ask me, "What are they doing?", my answer's gonna be, "They're still just talking, and they're still just standing there."
Tucker: [after a long pause] What are they talking about?
Church: You know what? I fucking hate you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grif: [discussing the futility of civil war] Talk about a waste of resources. I mean, we should be out there finding new and intelligent forms of life. Y'know, fight them.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarge: May I introduce the our new light reconnaissance vehicle! It has four-inch armour plating, mag bumper suspension, a mounted machine gunner position, and total seating for three. Gentlemen, this is the M12LRV! I like to call it the Warthog.
Simmons: Why Warthog, sir?
Sarge: Because "M12LRV' is too hard to say in conversation, son.
Grif: No, but... Why Warthog? I mean, it doesn't really look like a pig.
Sarge: Say that again.
Grif: I think it looks more like a puma.
Sarge: What in Sam Hell is a puma?
Simmons: You mean like the shoe company?
Grif: No. Like a puma. It's a big cat. Like a lion.
Sarge: You're makin' that up.
Grif: I'm telling you, it's a real animal.
Sarge: Simmons, I want you to poison Grif's next meal.
Simmons: Yes, sir!
Sarge: [Points at front of the Warthog] Look, see these two tailhooks? They look like tusks. And what kind of animal has tusks?
Grif: A walrus.
Sarge: Didn't I just tell you to stop makin' up animals?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: [Frank has arrived too late to save Tex's life] First of all, great job on the Tex, man. Mission accomplished. Secondly, the way that we need you to assist is to help us kill all the Reds.
Frank DuFresne: Well, even if my orders didn't prohibit me from doing that, I still wouldn't. I joined the army as a conscientious objector.
Tucker: Consci... who?
Frank DuFresne: I'm a pacifist.
Caboose: ...You're a thing that babies suck on?
Tucker: No, dude, that's a pedophile.
Church: Tucker, I think he means a pacifier.
Tucker: Oh, yeah. Right. Man, I was totally thinking about something else.
Church: That's real classy, Tucker.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caboose: So I say to the guy, How're you going to get the tank down to the planet? And he goes, I'll just put it on the ship. And I go, if you've got a ship that can carry a tank, why not just put guns on the ship and use it instead?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Simmons: Seriously, though. Why are we out here? As far as I can tell, it's just a box canyon in the middle of nowhere. No way in or out.
Grif: Mm-hm.
Simmons: The only reason that we set up a Red base here is 'cause they have a Blue base over there. And the only reason they have a Blue base over there is 'cause we have a Red base here.
Grif: Yeah. That's because we're fighting each other
Simmons: No, but I mean, even if we were to pull out today, and they were to come take our base, they would have two bases in the middle of a box canyon. Whoop-dee-fuckin' doo.
Grif: What's up with that, anyway? I mean, I signed on to fight some aliens. Next thing I know, Master Chief blows up the whole Covenant armada, and I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere. Fighting a bunch of Blue guys.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tucker: [Church has just been shot] Church! It's going to be OK, man!
Church: No... I'm not... I'm not going to make it. Tucker, there's something I need to tell you.
Tucker: What is it?
Church: I just want you to know... I always hated you. I always hated you the most.
Tucker: Yeah. I know you did. Now hurry up and die, you prick.
Church: OK.
[dies]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Grif and Donut are hiding behind the Warthog... Sheila the Tank is about to run into the jeep]
Donut: Let's make a break for it!
Grif: Whew! In that case, let's go on three. That's worked well for me in the past.
Donut: OK, you count.
Grif: Fine. But don't look at me while I count, because I get nervous.
[Grif turns away from Donut]
Grif: One...
[Donut gets up and runs like hell]
Grif: Two...
[Grif turns and sees that Donut is long gone]
Grif: That son of a bitch. He beat me at my own game. Curses!
[Sheila the Tank plows into the Warthog, blowing it up]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[during a Public Service Announcement asking NASA to stop sending Mars rovers to Blood Gulch]
Simmons: At least Grif figured out how to turn them into skateboards.
Grif: [Grif runs past the camera very fast] Whoohoo!
Simmons: Hey! Sarge says you're supposed to wear a helmet!
Grif: [Off camera] I'm gonna build a ramp! Who wants to help?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Church has possessed the body of Lopez the Mexican robot, and the Red team is negotiating for Lopez's return]
Sarge: All right, Blues. First off. We want your flag...
Simmons: Wait, wait, wait. Wait just a second. The last time we got the flag, the chick in the black armor showed up.
Sarge: ...to stay right where it is. Keep the flag. But we do want our mechanized droid guy back.
Church: Uh-oh.
Sarge: You may know him as Senor El Roboto.
Tucker: Well, Church? What's it going to be?
Church: No way. I'm not giving back my body. I just got this thing.
Sarge: And don't think you can keep his nuts! Or bolts, or other... mechanical parts.
Church: Uh, he's not here anymore!
Tucker: Yeah, he left! He was all like "Sayonara!" And then he just took off!
Church: That's not Spanish, you idiot. That's French.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caboose: But I don't want to be dead. I want to be alive. Or a cowboy.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Church and Tucker are discussing Tex's actions on Planet Sidewinder]
Church: Then she beat Jimmy to death with his own skull.
Tucker: What? That doesn't seem physically possible.
Church: That's exactly what Jimmy kept screaming.
[cut to Planet Sidewinder. Tex is beating Jimmy with his own skull]
Pvt. Jimmy: This doesn't seem physically possible!
[grunts and dies]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caboose: [revelling] AI... What's the "A" stand for?
Church: Artificial.
Caboose: Ah. What's the...
Church: [interrupting] Intelligence.
[short pause]
Caboose: What's the "A" again?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: And Tex? The one thing I didn't realize before was this. Maybe I'm the last Church not because I fixed everything, but because I died and there's no way I can come back. If that happens, I just want to let you know I'm sorry. Sorry I got you mixed up in all this stupid stuff. Sorry I wasn't a better guy than I should have been. Sorry for... well, a lot of stuff...
Church: ...but, if we do survive this, then it's totally because of me and you should build a fucking statue in my honor. I'm serious! Something cool! Like me on a horse. No, no, no, wait, a motorcycle!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Tucker is showing Donut his energy sword]
Donut: Wow, that's great! I like the glowing part. Ooh, does it make cool noises when you swing it?
Tucker: I don't think so. No, wait, is "whoosh" a noise? Because if it is, then yes. It goes, "Whoosh whoosh, whoosh, wsh wsh, wsh-ch-ch, chw chw, whsh-chsh, chsh-chsh-chww, whshhh, sh-sh-shing!, fring!, whshhh, whww".
[he swings the sword, and it makes a whooshing sound]
Tucker: See?
Donut: And you found that in a hole?
Tucker: Yeah, dude, I was just walking along, following Tex... not really paying attention, you know. I fell in some hole. And, ah, Tex didn't help me out, she figured she was better off without me, and that's where I found this.
Donut: You know, most people would tell that story in a way that makes them sound a little better.
Tucker: Yeah, but, you know, that's not really my style.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Simmons: [firing his rifle] Oh, that's right! Suck it, Blue.
Grif: [pops up in front of Simmons] Yeah. Sneak attack!
Simmons: Sit down, you dumbass. I can't see!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: You don't know anything about the aliens who programmed you?
Gary: Correct. Instead, they filled all my memory banks with information about The Great Destroyer and his race.
Church: You mean humans.
Gary: That is not what they call you, but correct.
Church: Why, what you they call us?
Gary: ...Shisno.
Church: That's an insult, isn't it?
Gary: Perhaps this can be best explained in the form of a knock-knock joke. Knock, knock.
Church: Who's there?
Gary: You are.
Church: You are who?
Gary: You are a dirty, dirty shisno. Ha, ha, ha.
Church: All right, what does it mean?
Gary: What is the most foul-smelling animal on your planet?
Church: Um... a skunk. Wait, so shisno means skunk?
Gary: Not exactly. Does a skunk defecate?
Church: Yes...
Gary: And does the skunk's defecation in turn produce its own excrement?
Church: Eww, no!
Gary: Then there is no equivalent for shisno in your language.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[the Blue team has agreed to send their Medic over as a hostage]
Church: OK. We're gonna send over our Medic. Now, what do we get?
Simmons: You? You're surrendering! You don't get anything except humiliation and ridicule!
Tucker: We've already got that! What else do you have?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarge: [being possessed by Church] Huagahguhgerk!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grif: Hey thanks kiss ass, if I want to take guarding tips from the guy that lost our last prisoner, I'll be sure to ask you
Donut: Oh man, that is a burn. Dude, you just got burned, burned dude, burned.
Simmons: Shut up, your armor's pink.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Frank DuFresne: Besides, I'm not supposed to get involved unless someone gets hurt
Church: Huh... I see
[Church point his gun at Caboose and then fires]
Caboose: Owwwww! My Foot!
Church: Well, It looks like Caboose has hurt himself... Maybe you should get over there and help him, Doc.
Frank DuFresne: You know, you could have just asked nicely.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarge: I only drink the blood of my *enemies*... and occasionally a strawberry Yoo Hoo.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarge: I only drink the blood of my enemies... and strawberry yoohoo... I do enjoy the occasional sarsaparilla... Grenadine, straight from the can... Sex On the Beach, and a Pina Colada.
[sings]
Sarge: If you like Pina Coladas / and getting caught in the rain / If you're not into yoga / Grif just has half a brain.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: I was sittin' there talkin' to Gary, and...
Tex: The bomb?
Church: No that's Andy, Gary is the computer.
Tex: Neh, I don't even remember most of your names half the time.
Caboose: I know my name! You can ask me, if you forget.
Church: Hey, can we please focus on me?
Caboose: By the way, he's Church.
Church: Yes, thank you Caboose, she knows.
Caboose: He is the mean one.
Church: Thank you, Caboose.
Caboose: See, he is mad. Now he'll just stare at me until I stop talking, then, when he thinks I am done talking, then he will start talking again.
Church: ...okay. I was talking to Gary and...
Caboose: Told you so!
Church: Goddammit!
Caboose: Classic Church.
Tucker: I wonder if a ghost can have an aneurism.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tucker: Ha-ha-ha-ha! Some slimy-toothed monster scared the crap out of Church! Ha-ha!
Tex: He didn't scare the crap out of him. He scared the *soul* out of him.
Tucker: Oh, it's Church. What's the difference? His soul is made out of crap... stupid crap-for-soul!
Church: For all I know, he's in there chewing on my body right now.
Tex: Well... then let's go get this big 'thing' of yours.
Tucker: Bow-chicka-bow-wow!
Tex: Oh, shut up.
Church: Shut up, Tucker.
Tucker: Somebody call for a really hairy plumber? Bow-chicka-bow-wow!
Church: Tucker! Shut up.
Tucker: I came here to lay some pipe... bow-chicka-bow-wow!
Church: Tucker!
Tucker: So I hear you've got sisters - bow-chicka - who are twins - bow-wow!
Church: Shut up...
Tucker: Hey, are you a model or famous actress? Bow-chicka-bow-wow!
Church: Shut up!
Tucker: [continues to do the guitar riff]
Church: Shut up. Shut up! Shut... up!...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tucker: Bow Chicka Bow Wow.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tucker: We haven't seen that alien thing come out so it's probably still hiding in there.
Caboose: Or, eating Church
Tex: All right, lets roll.
Church: Okay, here we go.
Tucker: ...Uhh we're not moving.
Church: Yea, yea, okay... here we go.
Tucker: We're still not moving.
Caboose: Does talking count as moving?
Tex: All right, screw it. You guys get behind me and stay tight...
Tucker: Bow-chicka-bow-wow.
Tex: Never mind, Tucker's in front.
Tucker: Eh, it was worth it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: How's it going, Tucker? We get any useful information out of the prisoner yet?
Tucker: I figured he was here to steal back Lopez, but he won't give us anything. Except a list of crockpot recipes. Would that be "useful'?
Church: Do we *have* a crockpot?
Tucker: No, Caboose had a trade with that annoying guy from Blue Command. He swapped it for a "Mystery Box'.
Church: What was in the "Mystery Box'?
Tucker: One hundred forty jars of mayonnaise.
[sarcastically]
Church: Well, *that's* a good trade.
[not picking up on it]
Tucker: Yeah, it doubles as a great sunscreen!
Church: How did you... never mind.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Caboose is "interrogating" Donut]
Caboose: This is fun! Okay, okay, your turn! Truth or dare?
Donut: Hmm... truth!
Caboose: Ok... tell me... all of the Red's secret plans!
Donut: Aww! You tricked me! You Blue guys are so smart. Ok, now listen closely. Our biggest secret is...
[Church's Ghost runs in and takes control of Donut's body]
Church: Caboose! It's me, Church! I possessed this guy so we can... hey. This pink armor is kinda comfortable. Roomy. What were you guys talking about?
[sadly]
Caboose: Oh... nothing.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Church: I think I came up with a plan for how we can use Lopez and our new prisoner to get an upper hand on the Reds...
[Tucker is silent]
Church: ... The plan does not involve mayonnaise.
Tucker: Dammit! I knew there would be a catch!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarge: I love blood and violence! I've got a boner for murder!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarge: [Sarge introduces the special modifications he has made to the new robots] Check it out. Robot #2, codeword dirtbag.
Grif: [the robot beeps, then hits Grif] Ow! Hey!
Sarge: Heh heh heh. Pretty nifty, huh?
Simmons: That's awesome, sir! Let me try. Let me try. Codeword dirtbag